I am now a 30 year old, divorced, mother of 3 beautiful children; children who i hope can forgive me someday for being the shittiest mother in history.

I started using drugs at a very young age, by the time I was 13 I had turned into a full blown meth addict. I was always very lost in life, never fit into one particular crowd or group and I was constantly sacrificing my own happiness in order to please other people. I have been in therapy for my mental illness since I was 12. I have had my run with treatment centers and psych wards, relapses, attempted suicides, drug overdoses and so much more.

My first visit to a treatment center was in 2005 and I was 18. I had an 8 month old baby boy, was working at a fast food restaurant & blowing through money, men & drugs like they were going out of style. After a 10-13 day (I can never remember how long they lasted) bender I found myself out in the pouring rain, broke, out of gas with nothing but a dead cell phone with no charger in sight. I could’ve gone back to my dealers house & gotten high, again, for free but I was no longer feeling the rush and I could tell my body, mind and wallet were totally exhausted. I made a choice to surrender, to finally break down and admit that I was out of control and i was 160% powerless over crystal meth. And I knew exactly where I was going to go for help.

I drove to my friends house, whom i had known since middle school. She once ran with me & would often partake in the reckless activities that consumed my life but, like everyone else, she got tired of it and knew better. She then went on to become an LCDC at a local adolescent drug abuse program. There I stood, at 5am, soaking wet & tears rolling down my face, knocking on her bedroom window at her moms house. Just as i expected, she was there for me with and instantly kicked into “hero mode”. Her mother, who had previously expressed her concern with her daughter being friends with me due to my bad influence & destructive behavior, greeted me at the door with open arms and immediately they both asked me “where is Tony”? Once they knew the baby was safe, we sat down, called a few treatment centers in nearby small towns & within 30 minutes we had a bed saved and a plan of action.

I entered treatment on 4/11/2005 for a crystal meth addiction and I have been meth free ever since. But I have not been sober. In 2008 I was diagnosed with chronic migraines and the doctors solution was Vicodin. Had i been working a program i would’ve known this wouldn’t end well but I didn’t believe in all that 12 step, fellowship, cult like babble. Suddenly it was like I blinked & it was 2016 and I was completely dependent on Hydrocodone, Percocet, Oxycontin & Adderrall (had to get my rush in there somewhere).

After losing a job, being served divorce & custody papers, watching my 6 year old move to another state & completely isolating my family I found myself once again on a progressive path of self destruction. On the day of my daughters 2nd birthday, I had attempted suicide for the 3rd time but again, i was unsuccessful. I realized at that moment that I WAS DONE! I was done with the chaos, the chase, the constant worry that the pills would run out and after just getting all 3 scripts filled that day I stood in my friends living room with 3 full pill bottles and I surrendered.

On September 2, 2016 I returned to that same treatment center, that seemed to work well the first time, and I started a journey to my new life.